Have you ever lost someone you never met? Did the loss hurt in ways you couldn’t fathom?
I have and she was my Daughter Gabriella. She was everything my husband and I dreamed of. We tried to conceive for what seem to be forever. (5 years to be exact) We did IVF (Shady Grove Fertility Center)and it worked. We were excited, our dreams finally answered. We would be a family finally. We had our first Sonogram and she was so tiny not yet completely formed. At 7 weeks she actually looked like a little baby (gummy bear) and her heart was beating. It was the most amazing thing we ever heard. She was our baby. At 8 weeks we got to see her again. Not only did we hear her heartbeat, but we saw her move a bit. Now came the tough part waiting 4 weeks till our 12 week appointment.
Little did we know the next time we would see her there would be no heartbeat. It was like a cruel joke, the kind where no one was laughing. Tear lots of tears and whys. Why would this happen? Why us? Why her? Why my Gabby? Why couldn’t she stay longer? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ??????????? We loved her, we’ve prepared for her, planned for her. We just wanted to bring her home and raise her. The last photos of her are those I captured on my cellphone. Her just laying there, no movement.
Then you wait to miscarry, but it’s not so easy to do that either. I had to go into a hospital to have her removed from my womb (DNC). Not only did I not want to let her go but, it was like my body didn’t want to either. I was a nervous wreck as they moved me from one table to the next. I prayed and I prayed. I was scared as I slowly felt myself drift off to sleep. Asleep that felt like 5 mins.
I woke up just crying, I was so hurt. Hurt beyond repair. The only thing I could say was “They took my baby, they took my baby, they took her”. The truth is they did, but the look on the faces of the nurses said it all. They were sorry, but they had to. I knew I would get sick if she stayed in my womb, I just wasn’t ready. ( NO ONE IS EVER REALLY READY FOR A MISCARRAGE) I didn’t blame them for my loss, but it was like mines was a long drawn out process that didn’t seem to end. It didn’t help that I was still loopy from the medicine, but I said a lot and I saw my hurt in their eyes.
The biggest hurt was seeing my husband. I was the reason we had to do IVF. The reason we couldn’t get pregnant. The reason we miscarried. Or so those were the things I told myself over and over again. However, he was just as hurt. Trying to figure out why he couldn’t take my pain from me. Trying to figure out why it was happening to us. Everything he said to me he used the word WE. Those two letter that formed the word WE.
It wasn’t until a month or so that I realized the importance of the WE, he kept referring to. We got the call that our baby was a girl. It was then, I realized that my husband had a miscarriage. He stayed strong for me, to help me deal with everything. Then he broke down. He had cried many times with me. However this time, he was no longer able to stay strong. He came to me and he cried with his head in my lap. He also didn’t understand. He wanted her just as much as me, and it hurt him just the same. So we cried together.
We miscarried our daughter. While we never got to hold her in our arms, we hold her in our hearts. We think of her daily. Her brother is only 10 months old (rainbow baby), but we also mention her to him often. She was our 1st child and we love her. The only memories of her are her sonogram photos, and those photos are worth more than a thousand words.
We still cry sometimes (I’m crying writing this). A miscarriage isn’t forgotten when you have another child. It isn’t forgotten after a few years. It sticks with you, it molds you into who you are currently. I had my husband’s support but sometimes families don’t have the support or the family could use more support. The Doulas of Destination Baby, want you to know we are here and we understand. Destination Baby will be offering bereavement support starting January 2016.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Please share this post and or repost a photo below in support of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. On the 15th of October remember to light a candle for all the angel babies.